I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
