Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
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