Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize