it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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