I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
How drunk are you?
Completed.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
