I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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