shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
