whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
