Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my sisters under your porch take her home
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
