When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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