Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
