i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
