based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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