Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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