Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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