i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
