Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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