I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
