i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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