$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
