how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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