If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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