I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
