what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
