once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
