just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
