My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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