I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
