If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
