my mouth tastes like poor choices
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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