My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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