all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.