Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
