Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
