note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
