Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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