It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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