So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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