I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
