You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
