mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
