i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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