Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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