my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
