I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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