so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
