That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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