Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
