U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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