Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
