I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
