Just took my morning after pill in the library
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
