so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize
