Can i not drive my cunt home
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
