well I can't set my house on fire every night
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
