I think my vagina is haunted
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
