I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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